Everyone is Shy. And Confidence Is A Con.
We’ve all been there before. Your palms start sweating when you walk into a party where you don’t know anyone. Your heart races when you try to make small talk with strangers. No matter how much you psych yourself up beforehand, mingling in crowds feels painfully awkward. In these moments, it seems like everyone else is at ease — making witty conversation, connecting effortlessly, radiating confidence.
But here’s the truth: they aren’t. Shyness is a universal human experience. Even the most charismatic extroverts have secret moments of insecurity. We all put on a bit of an act in social situations to cover up anxiety and self-consciousness.
I’ve been getting up on stage — performing, singing, DJing, speaking — for two decades. And I can tell you, the fear doesn’t go away. It sticks around to remind you that you give a s**t. No matter who you are, you’re probably in the same boat as me.
Recognising this shared humanity can help us release judgment and connect more deeply.
The Shy Feelings Lurking Inside Everyone
Shyness stems from our fundamental human biology/psychology. Research suggests genetics make up about 50% of our shyness. Brain chemistry also plays a role. Neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin regulate mood and emotions. If our brains are low in these chemicals, we will likely feel shy or anxious in social situations. From an evolutionary perspective, moderate social anxiety may have helped early humans survive in tight-knit tribal groups. Appearing too overtly aggressive or different was a liability. According to anthropologist Brian Little, humans are wired to be sensitive to social cues for acceptance and ostracisation. We instinctively avoid standing out too much, which can activate shy tendencies.
Shyness is not some anomaly or character flaw. It arises from our most basic human programming. Even the boldest extroverts have moments of self-consciousness and caution. Actors, politicians, and comedians — those expected to be endlessly chatty and magnetic — often describe themselves as introverts. Julia Roberts has admitted she was “born with the shyness gene.” Larry David calls himself “fundamentally shy.” Oprah Winfrey claims being an introvert makes hosting interviews challenging. As children, both Elton John and rapper Kendrick Lamar were so shy they refused to speak in public.
Shyness has little respect for success, status, or celebrity. The difference is they’ve learned to consciously override and manage that initial reticence in a way shy people have not. But the discomfort is still there. They say, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” At the very least, assume they are likely grappling with some degree of shyness, just like you.
Of course, we all have varying degrees of shyness and extroversion shaped by upbringing, life experiences and temperament. But certain universal situations are guaranteed to make almost anyone feel some flicker of dread or uncertainty: walking into a party alone, approaching an attractive stranger, speaking up in a meeting or group, making forced small talk with someone new. Any scenario highlighting self-consciousness has the potential to evoke shyness.
The Ways We All Fake Looking Confident
So how do smoother socialisers appear so at ease despite shy undercurrents? The answer is — to some extent — they fake it. Parties, networking events and social gatherings require a degree of performance. Using techniques to conceal nerves and project confidence creates the illusion of fearlessness. Underneath, many gregarious extroverts struggle with the same doubts and insecurities their shyer counterparts do. The ability to adapt their outgoing side to different situations doesn’t mean extroverts don’t also deal with social anxiety, discomfort, or self-consciousness.
Humour and witty banter are common ways extroverts mask nerves. Making others laugh shifts focus away from any self-consciousness. Engaging people with questions about themselves minimises talking time. Avoiding awkward silences by chiming in about mundane topics is another strategy. Demonstrating genuine interest in others’ stories forges connections. Pretending to be more extroverted and carefree than one truly feels inside is often an attempt to fit in and be liked.
Michael Kerr, an introversion expert and author, notes that many extroverts deliberately exaggerate their outgoingness, especially around groups. It’s often a mask worn in public situations. Underneath their polished social veneer, even lively minglers likely feel hints of dread before entering a party with strangers. They may rehearse conversation starters to calm nerves or drink liquid courage to loosen up when stakes seem high. Shyness is still there — they’ve just learned to channel it productively.
Extroversion, like any personality dimension, exists on a spectrum. There is no such thing as a “pure extrovert.” Most people are in the fuzzy middle. Rather than categorising people as either shy or socially confident, we should recognise everyone experiences both states at times. Some have developed skills to conceal and override introverted tendencies more effectively than others. But the jitters exist to some degree within us all.
Why Understanding This Fosters Compassion
Once we realise everyone feels shy and insecure at moments — even outgoing people — we can relax harsh judgments of ourselves and others. The next time you feel intimidated approaching someone who appears utterly at ease, remember they likely grapple with the same self-doubts as you. Rather than criticising yourself, accept occasional shyness as part of being human. If socially anxious thoughts hijack your brain at a party, simply acknowledge them with compassion instead of frustration. Rather than exhaust yourself trying to hide shyness, let your sensitive, thoughtful nature shine through. You may come across as far more warm and approachable than someone putting on a mask of overconfidence.
After all, we instinctively like people when we glimpse their imperfections and humanity. We’re drawn to those who are genuine over folks trying too hard to impress. Allowing some of our social discomfort or shyness to show builds trust and establishes rapport. When we stop covering up flaws others share, we can forge authentic connections.
Understanding that no one is immune from shyness also reduces feelings of isolation. You are not weird or deficient for occasionally feeling uncomfortable in groups when others seem at ease. Everyone gets nervous before social events and experiences awkward moments from time to time.
We all privately know the struggle.
Rather than judging others as more or less shy and confident, we can view sociability as a spectrum that everyone slides along. Some manage their position better than others and move more gracefully toward the outgoing side in social situations. But no one lives entirely on the extremes. We all depend on each other’s goodwill, compassion and forgiveness when our more introverted sides show. Doing so lightens the burden of perfectionism and brings humanity together.
We have to stop buying into the myth that anyone is 100% socially invincible and flawless. Eliminating the pressure to exude confidence creates space to connect as we authentically are. We needn’t exhaust ourselves trying to seem more relaxed, funnier or livelier than we feel. The safest relationships rest on a foundation of goodwill for each other’s limitations. We must nurture similar goodwill toward ourselves and gently accept shyness as part of our identity.
Understanding the universality of shyness also helps us avoid judging others as less-than for showing visible symptoms like blushing or monotone voices. We can develop compassion for all the hidden struggles and tender places concealed below the surface — not just our own. This lays the groundwork for humanising interactions.
Reaching social comfort and close relationships with others still asks for bravery and skill. Allowing some vulnerability paradoxically builds the trust that facilitates openness. We connect more deeply by revealing we’re all a little afraid sometimes but open to the experience nonetheless. When you view people with complexity rather than simplicity, you understand them and yourself better. Embracing nuance closes the false gap between “shy” people and “confident” ones.
We all long to love and be loved. We ache for genuine see-me, know-me, understand-me connection. The masks can come down. We can be as we are — shaky voices, sweaty palms, racing hearts. We might find that our shared imperfect humanness and deep desire for closeness unite more than our surface-level differences divide. Under all the posturing — we’re not so different after all.
I speak in front of thousands of people each year. And to this day, I still feel nervous every time I’m about to go on stage. But I’ve learned to accept those feelings as normal. The truth is, even the most experienced speakers and performers still get the jitters.
By being open about my insecurities, I hope people realize no one is 100% self-assured all the time. We’re all human, just doing our best. When we have compassion for the shared struggles and fears lying beneath the surface, it helps us connect on a deeper level. Remember you’re not alone the next time you feel shy or lack confidence. We can do hard things, self-doubt and all. What matters most is showing up and ripping off the bandaid—time after time. Even if it feels like a con.
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